To the ones always liked but never pursued 

Gabi

“Hirap mong abutin.”

“Hindi kita deserve.”

“Hindi pa ako ready for commitment.”

Honestly, I have already lost count of how many times my heart has crumbled at the sound and sight of these lines. The first time, I let it pass. The second time, I was still fine. But the third, fourth, and all the heartbreaks after that? It made me wonder if I was just born to become everybody’s almost. 

I will just become someone meant to be admired but not chosen, wanted but never fought for. 

What makes it so hard for you to take a risk for me? But it was always so easy for you to make me feel like I was worth fighting for. 

We shared conversations until our eyes grew too heavy. We became each other’s safe haven, the person we ran to when life felt too heavy to carry, the arms and hands that held hearts too tired from trying and hoping. 

I was the one whom you used to always tell first what went on with your day. I was the one who stayed with you when everyone else was already asleep. I was the one you kept close only when it was convenient, pulling me in just enough to make my yearning heart keep hoping. 

You remembered the tiniest details about me like how I wanted my toast slightly burnt, how I always bring a pink-colored flower hair claw, how I wear my favorite heart-studded bracelet, how I sleep at two in the morning, and all the little things I never even knew about myself, but you did.

And maybe that’s what hurts the most, because how can someone see every part of you, hold your broken pieces so gently, and still choose to let you go before you have held their hands?

Maybe I was easy to have. I was very understanding, very welcoming, and very caring. Because it was you. But for you, I was just someone good to talk to and someone good to have around. I was always available for you even when I still have a mountain of readings waiting for me. Every time your name popped up, I dropped everything. And now, my heart has fallen into pieces because you dropped it.

So I guess the words, to be known is to be loved, are not entirely true. Because love is not just about being seen, but about being chosen, pursued, and held even when it is hard, even when a person is too difficult to reach, even when it is scary, and even when you doubt you deserve a love like mine. You make yourself worthy of my love through your actions, words, and intentions. 

And after all the time I gave you, all the love I was ready to share, all the pieces of my heart waiting and wanting for you to mirror my feelings, I learned that to be admired is not the same as being loved and that to be loved is to be pursued.