‘Cause when I’m with him, I’m thinking of you

Gabi Rizal

Now, a man in front of me is giving more than his best to pursue me and whom I am also trying to give my heart to.

And God, he is good… so painfully good.

The kind of good that makes you question why love had to hurt you first before introducing someone this gentle. The kind of good that waits patiently, listens intently, and loves without making me beg for reassurance. He tries to understand the parts of me that even I struggle to explain. He holds my silence as if fragile prices of a broken glass, as if knowing there are wounds inside me that still ache whenever they are touched too suddenly.

And I am trying, too. God knows I am trying… so hard. 

Trying to open doors I shut after you left. Trying to convince myself that not everyone who touches my heart will leave it bleeding. Trying to unlearn the fear that loving someone means preparing for them being tired of me.

But no matter how much I try to open my heart to him, a part of me still wanders back to you.

Because when he laughs, I suddenly remember yours. When he sings for me, I remember how your voice once made everything around me feel softer. When he teases me, I remember the banters we used to throw at each other so naturally, the way you make me chuckle, roll my eyes, and my cheeks flushing red all at the same time. 

And it terrifies me how easily my heart still returns to you despite everything. Despite the sleepless nights, the confusion, the way you broke me gradually that nobody else noticed. 

You still perfectly have my heart even after breaking it into pieces. And that is what hurts the most. Not the fact that you left, but the fact that my heart still treats you like home after surviving the chaos you caused inside it.

I really feel guilty for the man in front of me right now, because he is loving someone whose heart is still haunted by another person. Someone who still catches herself looking for your traces in different people. Someone who still hears your voice in certain songs and suddenly feels the ache all over again.

And I hate it. I hate that even after everything, it is still you. For now, I still believe that the person who destroyed my heart is the only person who can make it full again, shutting my heart close to the man who is giving me the love I always begged for from you.