Virginity isn’t the gift they told you it was

Usually, during family gatherings—sometimes even in the whispered advice of elders before a wedding, as one phrase always seems to surface: “The greatest gift you could ever give to your future partner is your virginity.” It’s repeated so often that it feels less like guidance and more like a mantra, a broken record echoing through generations.

Not only because we live in a Catholic country, but also because people prefer to cling to old traditions and values, virginity appears to be a deeply ingrained concept, and even more so a recurring topic when discussions are about relationships and self-worth.

But what happens when a gift becomes a stone to throw? And when one’s values become the reason to shame others, does it still mean that they are the right ones to follow, or is it time to let the old saying go?

Faith’s imprint

In the Philippines, where Catholicism runs deep, religion is not just a label people wear as it is a force that shapes beliefs, values, and attitudes, leaving its mark on how individuals move through both their private and public lives.

One of the most enduring lessons tied to faith is the emphasis on purity and the call to wait until marriage. For many, especially conservatives and the elderly, staying “pure” is more than just tradition—it is treated as a symbolic gift, a wedding offering that speaks of discipline, respect, and devotion.

This is why the marriage of EA De Guzman and Shaira Diaz drew such attention. After twelve years of choosing celibacy, their union became more than a love story; it was held up as proof of their commitment not only to each other but also to the values they carried throughout their relationship.

Their wedding revived the public conversation on sexual abstinence, with familiar comments surfacing once again: “Ito dapat ang tularan ng mga kabataan ngayon.”

These are some of the common remarks when the topic surrounds sexual abstinence, suggesting that the younger generation and couples should abide by this practice as it shows respect for men and purity in women (rarely vice versa).

It’s not a new scenario at all. However, the celebration of celibacy often hides the underlying shame and disgust for those who do not want to conform, creating comparisons as if one is better than the other.

Based on previous interviews, Diaz mentioned that it was her choice to practice sexual abstinence to honor her parents. The actress also shared how her parents told her that “Yun ang best gift na mabibigay mo sa magiging asawa mo,” referring to virginity in the sense of how pure a person is.

As De Guzman mentioned in his wedding vow, “We chose a path not everyone would understand. To wait, to honor God, and to honor each other by practicing purity.”

His words show that abstinence is often shaped by social constructs and religious teachings. Waiting until marriage is seen not just as a personal choice but as a way of honoring God. In this view, virginity becomes more than a decision: it turns into a duty tied to faith and moral values.

The virginity myth

We’ve all heard the word “gift” used to describe virginity. But what exactly are we giving away? For generations, this concept has been treated like a fragile seal, an object you can lose or a treasure you hand over. Yet, it’s not an object that can be given away or taken; it’s an idea that has been built, defined, and assigned value by society, indicating that it is indeed a social construct rather than a biological state. 

From a medical perspective, the hymen, often mistaken as proof of virginity, is simply a thin and flexible tissue that can stretch or tear without any sexual activity involved. Daily activities such as sports, tampon use, or medical checkups can stretch or tear it. 

Its presence or absence does not reveal a person’s sexual history, showing that virginity is not a biological state but a social construct. So why treat it like a badge of honor or a source of shame? Because we’ve tied a person’s worth to it, using it to define their place in the world.

Freedom wrapped in obligation

Aside from being a social construct, this also clashes with the concept of personal autonomy. This is because a gift should be freely given, an expression of generosity and love, but when a person’s sexual choices are dictated by tradition, expectation, or obligation, that so-called gift becomes a burden, not a choice.

A person’s body and their decisions about it belong to them alone. To say that someone must “save” themselves for a partner is to deny their right to make their own choices about their life and body.

This brings us to real harm. When a person’s sexual history is being used as a yardstick for their value, it creates an environment full of shame and judgment, branding people as “dirty” and “impure” based on their experiences.

When respect has conditions

Another thing that should be highlighted and is truly concerning here is the double standard that lies beneath the surface. Virginity has been expected to be protected for females, while the loss of it before marriage for males was encouraged.

 A woman who has had multiple partners is called “madumi,” or lacking in self-respect, while a man in the same situation is rarely judged with the same harshness.

The imbalance is hard to ignore. It strips women of their autonomy and upholds the idea that a person’s worth can be defined by someone else’s judgment. Within this system, women are left to carry the heavier weight of shame, while men are handed the lighter load of expectation.

Re-wrapping the gift

In the end, that familiar echo: “the greatest gift you could ever give to your future partner is virginity” still lingers. It shapes everything from wedding vows to family conversations, even the way some couples define their love. But as the conversation around purity gets louder, so does the recognition that your worth can’t be wrapped up in a single word or tradition.

The story of EA and Shaira shows celibacy as a deliberate practice of devotion and self-discipline for those who choose it. And for those who chose not to conform, there should be no shame and disgust for that.

Because perhaps virginity was never the gift at all. It’s the honesty, respect, and the courage to honor one’s own choices. A relationship built on those foundations is far more lasting than one bound by silence, shame, or fear.